How To Change

Emotions Draw on Past Experiences

In our last chapters, we’ve gone through the three required mindset traits in order to become the most impactful person we can be. As we now proceed with our exploration, the question that becomes fundamental to answer is: How do we incorporate them in our life? How do we turn the person we are today into someone that is perfectly fine with being himself or herself, trusts their capacity to think critically and independently and is very responsible and focused on always doing what is right? In other words, how do we start behaving in line with what we are, tap into our true potential and have a lot of impact in the world?

Admittedly these are not easy questions. Human behavior is very complex and understanding how one can ultimately change has proven to be, in our experience, one of the most intricate problems to solve. However, like always, answers exist and throughout this chapter, we hope to give you a detailed and accurate description of what has been, to this date, the most effective approach to grow into a more impactful human being as well as a clear and simple roadmap to put it in practice.

Now in order to understand how something can change, we need to first identify why something is there. In other words, why are we the person we are today? Why do we behave the way we do? What are we genetically wired to seek? How have our experiences in life shaped our emotional makeup, and our particular temperament and personality? These are all questions that when answered will allow us to pinpoint the foundation of our behavior and give us important clues about the ways in which we can change.

An obvious place to start is with our emotions. As humans, we are emotional beings. This is reflected on the structure of our brain where at the bottom sits the most primitive parts and on the outer the most advanced ones. We are physically wired to feel first, and only subsequent to our emotional response, do we respond consciously or unconsciously, with awareness or without.

That humans are driven by emotions is, of course, not a new discovery but what is certainly new (and very relevant to our explanation) is how emotions are generated. A breakthrough in this area of study is now revealing that, contrary to the ‘classic view’ of emotion (which has been the scientific belief for a long time and purports that emotions are ‘built-in’ reflexes that simply fire off), our emotions don’t come prewired in our brain. Instead, emotions are constantly being constructed as our brain filters all the available raw data (our bodily sensations, our thoughts, the particular situation) through both past experiences and learned emotional concepts, and comes up with a feeling or sensation that best characterizes the situation.

This is a very valuable piece of information. If what we experience moment to moment is not a separated instance in time but is rather the result of an incredibly complex process that takes into consideration a lot of different factors, most importantly our experiences in life, it means that the range of emotions that is nowadays dictating our mood and behavior is intimately connected to the range of emotions that we have experienced previously in the past. In other words, who we are today is merely an extension of how we have been emotionally conditioned throughout our lives which is why on our next topic we will go back in time to understand how our life experiences might have shaped our emotional makeup and ultimately the person that we are.

That our emotional makeup of the past is nowadays influencing the ways in which we intuitively react to the world also makes, of course, a lot of sense on a neurological level. We’ve seen before that our brain is plastic and neural connections that are frequently stimulated predominate within it. So it is only natural that the more we have experienced certain emotions in our life, the more their corresponding neural pathways became minted in our brain configuration and are therefore today more representative of who we are.

Inherited traits that are specific to the individual (like for example, a propensity to be depressed or to be fearless) also play a big role in the definition of our particular behavior and character but since these mostly come down to chance, we have chosen not to address them here.

We 'Are' What Worked to Feel Safe

As we have explored before, given that the emotions we experience today are an extension of the emotions we have experienced in the past, in order to understand our current character and behavior, we need to go back in time to identify what has shaped us on an emotional level.

To do so, it is imperative that we begin by understanding what we are genetically wired to seek and to avoid. Our biological drives set the foundation of how we interact and react to the stimuli from the environment so pinpointing what those drives are will give us a better understanding of where our emotions are originating from.

Now at the most basic level, what we seek in life and where our actions stem from is simply wanting to feel safe. Evolution has hardwired in us a strong emotion for fear and a longing for safety because those drives proved to be fundamental in helping our ancestors survive and reproduce. And as we’ve explained in Chapter IV, when young, at a time of our lives when we are not yet autonomous in our actions, our safety will be fundamentally tied to the love and acceptance of our caregivers.

When that love and acceptance is present and we feel like simply being ourselves is enough to be accepted, we feel safe. We develop good self-esteem and accept who we are. We usually become more independent and confident, especially when encouraged to think for ourselves and experiment with the things we are passionate about. Overall, we become an individual with a stable emotional foundation.

However, if that love and acceptance are missing and we feel like being ourselves is not enough to be accepted, we don’t feel safe. We usually create the idea that something is wrong with us, develop a lot of insecurities and are rarely able to accept who we are. In most situations, we live in constant fear of what others might think or do to us and grow up to become an individual with an insecure and unstable emotional foundation. Under these circumstances, wherein being ourselves doesn’t work to feel safe, we often start pretending to be someone we are not. From adopting an overly confident or aggressive attitude to coming across as superior, funnier or smarter, the fear that others might not accept us drives us to gradually create and behave in line with a fake self-image that allows us to mask our insecurities and, at the same time, gathers more respect and recognition from those around us.

But whether we felt like we had to change our behavior or not, we always acted in line with what worked to feel safe. In a positive and loving setting, we were simply ourselves. In a more precarious one, we did what we could to best camouflaged our insecurities. Ultimately, this is what has shaped the emotional makeup that is today underlying our behavior and what explains, in general lines, the person we’ve become.

It is important to realize that this is a simplified explanation. The overall dynamics seen in these two groups are real and help explain why people behave the way they do but in order to have a complete and accurate understanding, we would need to analyze case by case.

To make it clear, the formation of a self-image is not exclusive to the second group. To a greater or lesser extent, everyone goes through this process of creating a self that, within his or her environment, worked to feel accepted and safe. The difference is that while those who grew up in a stable and balanced environment developed their self-image on top of supportive emotions, in a natural way and without added pressures, those who grew up in an unstable one built theirs on top of fearful emotions, mostly as a defense mechanism to conceal their vulnerabilities.

Social Value

As we’ve explored in our previous topic, whether we felt like simply being ourselves was enough to be accepted or not, as children and also later in our lives, the way we find safety is by seeking the love and appreciation of our parents (and also to some extent of those around us).

This information alone already allows us to arrive at an important understanding. If who we are today (our emotional makeup and the way it translates to our behavior) is merely a reflection of what worked to feel safe at a time when our main concern was to fit in the world around us, it means that both on a neurological and emotional level (and also on an evolutionary one - being part of the group was essential for our survival back in the days), to a bigger or lesser extent and regardless of our upbringing, we will still be today intuitively drawn to make ourselves look better in the eyes of others or, better put, to engage in behaviors that either maintain or increase our social value.

Some examples include doing or saying things that we perceive as validating for our person. Trying to be better than others. Getting others attention. Making others like us. Diminishing others so we feel better about ourselves. Being aggressive to feel more respected. Essentially any behavior that boosts our perceived worth and produces a feeling of reward is correlated with our intrinsic need to maintain or increase our social value.

Now it is important to realize that, for the most part, this is not premeditated behavior. We do it very intuitively. An emotion is triggered that signals reward and we simply act on what we are feeling. Likewise, it is also crucial to understand that what works to increase social value will be very different from person to person. It usually depends on how we have come to perceive ourselves and how we want others to perceive us.

For example, someone with a victim mentality increases their social value by bringing attention to their problems. But someone with a ‘warrior mentality’ would never do that. This person would increase their social value by showing off their tenacity. There are countless examples like this. Someone who wants to be perceived as a nice guy will usually do everything in their power to please others. Someone who wants to be perceived as intelligent will try to say smart things. Someone who is very insecure or has a complex of inferiority will often try to diminish other people’s accomplishments. Someone who wants to be acknowledged as a ‘badass’ might frequently engage in violent behavior. Depending on how each person perceives themselves, the behavior that increases their perceived worth will greatly differ.

Now what is also important to understand is that, when it comes to engaging in this kind of behavior that can be attributed to our evolutionary need to increase our social value, there will still be a big difference between those who have learned to accept themselves and those who haven’t. While the former will mostly do it in very natural and well-adjusted ways (that one would even have a hard time to recognize), the latter will usually go overboard with it. Having not been able to accept themselves and living in constant fear that they might not be accepted by others, these people try to find their way into safety by constantly bringing attention over them and making themselves look more reputable.

Ultimately, this is the reason why we live today in a society where almost everyone lives for the eyes of others. Most people have never been able to truly accept themselves (or at least, to develop good self-esteem and become more confident) and so the way they try to ameliorate their insecurities and bring little spurs of momentary safety into their lives is by constantly seeking some sort of honoring feedback from other people.

An obvious example is the behavior we can observe on social media. Every day millions of people around the world hop into their online accounts and post countless photos, videos and comments all in hopes of receiving some praise and feeling a little bit more loved and appreciated. This is, of course, not the only example. Making a lot of money. Buying expensive clothes, houses, and cars. Traveling to exotic places. Achieving higher rankings in games. Attaining the perfect body. Even, to some extent, enrolling in the university or dating a lot of partners. These are all examples of activities that we engage in merely as a means to camouflage our insecurities and feel more confident about who we are.

In the end, it boils down to safety. We seek it outside of ourselves because we are not able to generate it from within. We look for the love and appreciation of others and try in every way possible to be reassured of our own self-worth because we feel like simply being ourselves is not enough.

But the problem is, this doesn’t work. Feeling more appreciated might provide some momentary relief but it does not increase our self-worth nor does it generate enduring feelings of safety. We see this in how celebrities (who usually get all the attention and validation in the world) often keep seeking for more and in how people who are already financially set for life also keep looking for ways to make even more money. They already have abundance in their lives and yet, they still keep trying to increase their social value and living for the eyes of others.

So then the question becomes: how do we generate safety from within ourselves? How do we accept and like who we are? How do we become a confident and courageous person? Because if we manage to have all these traits and somehow change from within, we would immediately feel a lot safer and have no need to get that safety from the recognition of other people.

This is what we will explain on our two final topics. We will reveal the reason that usually block us from making positive changes in our life and how we can (with that information in mind) start taking the first steps towards becoming someone whose life is not dominated by the need to get safety from the outside world but is rather able to generate it from within ourselves.

Path of Least Resistance

Now as we have concluded in our last topic, it is only by generating feelings of safety from within that we can become a more confident and self-reliant person and, through that, come to a place where we are no longer living for the eyes of others. The only question remaining is how can we do that.

And it essentially boils down to creating a relationship of truth with ourselves. The reason why most people nowadays are constantly worried about what others might think of them is that they have a tremendous lack of integrity. They are lying to themselves (and others) all the time. Living a life where they are constantly giving themselves excuses to run away from the things they know they should be doing or trying to come across as someone they’re not, they have never been able to build a strong inner foundation based on honesty and courage and have instead grown to become very soft, insecure and scared people whose life revolves mostly around the approval of others.

This is why the way to become a more emotionally secure and self-assured person is to consistently and continuously do what we know is right. We need to start doing what we know we should be doing at all times, making commitments and following through with those commitments until we become someone with such integrity and self-respect that what other people think becomes redundant in comparison. At the end of the day, this is what it takes to create lasting safety. We need to create a strong and impenetrable inner foundation of honesty and pride, and this can only be achieved once we start proving to ourselves that we have the capacity to do what we know we should be doing without making any concessions.

But, of course, this requires energy. For change to happen, we have to kick ourselves into gear and start putting the effort to change all the things that need to be changed in our life. And the problem is that most people are not willing to do that. Even after coming to the realization that the whole problem is the fact that they are lying to themselves and not doing what they know they should be doing, most people still choose to settle with their situation.

In view of this, one cannot help but wonder: Why? Why are people so tied to their comfort? Why would they choose to spend their lives in a sad, depressive and unfulfilled state when changing doesn’t even require so much effort?

One part of the answer seems to come down to our biology. As humans, we seem to be wired, both from a neurological and evolutionary point of view, to follow the path of least resistance. Not only is the neural activity giving rise to who we are today emanating from the neural pathways that have been most stimulated throughout our life (and that therefore require the least amount of energy to be activated), we are also genetically programmed to run away from pain and seek comfort and pleasure. Given these circumstances, what often happens is that even in cases where we would have every single reason in the world to improve our life situation (like, for example, when being in a depressive or unfulfilled state), if the work we have to put in to change is perceived as more painful than what we are currently experiencing (or does not justify, in our eyes, the potential reward), we will still stick to the most comfortable and easiest path we can take.

But, of course, it would seem that this is far from a complete explanation of our behavior. Nature might have not done us any favor in our ability to grow into a more proactive person but that doesn’t mean that we are helplessly subjugated to its whim. If we consider that we would gladly and effortlessly do whatever required if someone would point a gun at us for a certain amount of time, it becomes obvious that we still have a choice on how we want to proceed. We still have a choice on whether or not we want to give in to the path of least resistance or if we want to man up and take up our responsibility.

In the end, this is what it boils down to. The reason why we are not honest to ourselves and are not taking responsibility for our life is not because of our biology, it is because we give ourselves the choice to. Even though it is not so hard to realize that, sooner or later, we will have to do it (and the longer we take, the harder the consequences will be), since the feedback we get from reality is still not scary enough that we feel like we have to start changing our ways and we also often experience an underlying feeling that our life is working just fine, we allow ourselves to follow the path of least resistance, completely neglecting the fact that, at some point, when the reality check arrives, we will be forced to adopt a different position.

So, at the end of the day, the choice we have to make is very simple. Either we assume our responsibilities now and take precaution for what it’s coming in the future or we wait until the day the choice is gone and suffer the consequences. If the former is your decision and you want to start working today towards a better version of yourself, one that feels more confident and secure and is better prepared to endure the hardships of life, in the next topic we will explain the most effective way of doing that.

To fully grasp the reasons why people don’t really want to change (even when they say they do), it can be helpful to understand the underlying dynamics from a neurological point of view. As we’ve explained before in this chapter, from an evolutionary standpoint, we want to feel safe. This translates into our need to avoid pain and seek comfort, and also increase our social value and feel part of the group. But what these (and many other) biological drives do is controlling our brain chemistry. At the most fundamental level, what we really want in life is to be in a state of flow where all our neural circuits are resonating with each other. The more negative our outlook in life is and the less emotionally stable we are, the higher the chances that we will experience dissonance. Our will is then merely the drive to reduce it. One of the most effective ways to do so is by understanding our emotions but most people default instead to distractions. Playing games, watching videos, gambling, taking drugs - these are all examples of activities that we engage in merely as a means to quell the dissonance and bring our brain to a resonant state. As long as we are able to reach this baseline state of neural resonance on a moment to moment basis, we won’t experience the need to fundamentally change. Simply because what we want (even without being fully aware of it), we are actually managing to achieve it. The only time we go ahead and make a complete change in our lives is usually when we are left without a choice. Either a reality check happens or the dissonance becomes so overwhelming and unrelenting that we finally realize the way we are going about life simply doesn’t work anymore.

What we have just described perfectly explains the industry of self-development. People read books, listen to podcasts and watch webinars not because they want to fundamentally change but because they want to feel better. This is obvious when we look at how many people actually put the information they’ve learned into practice. Of course, some do (with good results) but most don’t.

Having a Vision and Taking Action

So, as we’ve explained in our previous topic, for those who don’t want to wait for the reality check to come to realize that something needs to change in their life and want instead to start working towards a better version of themselves without delay, in the next lines we will build on what we have explained so far in this chapter and reveal how we can most effectively transform who we are today into a more confident, responsible and also ultimately more impactful person.

Now one of the things that we have mentioned in our previous topic (aside from the fact that the brain is wired to follow the path of least resistance) is that, in evolutionary terms, everything we do is either out of our need to avoid pain or our desire to gain pleasure. The reason why most people fail to act when it comes to making a fundamental change in their lives is because, even though they know that being more proactive and responsible would benefit them - that it could definitely bring ‘pleasure’ to their life -, at that moment, they still associate more pain to going ahead with the decision than backing off from it.

So the way we can bring ourselves to follow through with our intentions is by finding a way to invert that. We need to associate massive pain to not changing now and massive pleasure to the act of doing it. How? It is a two-step process, one that inevitably begins with an action most of us have been long avoiding. We need to go deep inside ourselves and face whatever we have been running away from in our life.

As we have explained before, we live in a world where most people have a big lack of integrity. They have never managed to establish a connection of truth with themselves. We can see this in how we often don't mind pretending to be someone we're not if that allows us to hide our insecurities. Or how we also don’t mind compromising on what we know is right if that makes us feel more comfortable. We live a life completely disconnected from ourselves, with no sense of pride, of self-respect, or of doing what we believe is right, just trying to go through the motions while, at the same time, hiding the fact that, at our core, we are very insecure and dishonest.

Given this information, we can already deduct what is the most effective way to associate pain to our current behavior. We must confront ourselves with the dishonesty in our life. We have to face all our fears, our insecurities, our lies, our problems, everything that is wrong in our life, everything that is true about ourselves, no matter how sad or pathetic it might be, we need to face it, not to blame or judge ourselves for it but to realize that that’s what our life has come to be and if we don’t do anything to change it, no one will. Bringing all the lies and insecurities to the surface should create in us a feeling of disappointment, a feeling that we have been willingly and unnecessarily, for others’ validation and a little bit more of comfort, jeopardizing two of the most precious things in our life, our integrity and honesty. Living a life absent of regrets, staying true to our principles, prioritizing above all what we know is right and our own opinion about ourselves rather than others, is the only thing we can wish to achieve in our lifetime and realizing that we are doing the complete opposite of it, to our own suffering and misery, should generate enough of an emotional response to associate pain to our current lifestyle and provide the necessary leverage to make the decision to change.

Now, as we’ve mentioned, not only do we need to associate pain to the act of not changing, it is also required that we associate pleasure to the act of doing it. This is the second step of the process and what is fundamental to do here is to develop a clear vision of the person we want to become. We have to know what is it that we are working towards in order to keep the motivation and drive alive. Some questions might help in this process. What qualities of character do you want to attain? What type of person do you want to become and how would that inspire other people? Furthermore, what impact do you want to have during your lifetime and in what ways would that contribute to the world? Answering these questions, it is important to keep in mind that we want to base ourselves on what we would consider to be our most impactful version and not on some conditioned idea of success. Sometimes we dream to become a musician or a sports athlete but those are occupations that have little to no impact in the world. Another effective way to frame it is to think of what would be our best version right now and then strive to behave in line with it. This is probably an even better way of going about this second step as it is a more practical and realistic measuring tool to compare ourselves with. Regardless, whether we choose to define a vision of who we want to become or imagine what would be our best version right now, doing this exercise will generate in us a positive feeling and provide even more leverage to convince us that we need (and will be able) to change.

Once this pain and pleasure association process is done and we have made a true commitment to begin the process of changing, settled on a vow to always be honest to ourselves and doing what we know is right, which is itself defined by our current logical knowledge of reality, it is time to translate all of this into action. Action is fundamental because it is how we materialize the change. It is what debunks some of the limiting beliefs we sometimes have (of being lazy or ‘not the type of person’ who likes to workout) and also what proves to ourselves that transformation is underway. Not only that, it is also what starts shifting our self-image from someone who is inactive to someone who is proactive. This is a very important component of this process because, as humans, we are always striving to be consistent with who we think we are. People who perceive themselves as altruistic, for example, have a hard time refusing appeals that relate to humanitarian causes (especially when asked in person). In the same way, people who perceive themselves as hard-working shiver at the thought of sitting on their butt. Once we think we fit the description of a certain kind of person, we will experience a lot of inner (and also sometimes outside) pressures to match our behavior with it.

At the end of the day, this is how anyone can change. By using the power of taking consistent action to recondition who we think we are, we will eventually come to a point where we perceive ourselves as a more proactive and responsible person and this, on itself, will drive us to take even more action as we try to stay consistent with our new-established self-image.

And the good thing about this whole process is that it doesn’t have to be massive action. We can start small. Remember, the goal here is not to beat a world record but to generate enough evidence to make us believe that we are changing as a person. So what we generally want to do (which is the most effective for our purposes) is to pick a small task and prove to ourselves that we can stick to it for 30 days. That’s it - one month, one task, without fail. What to choose is up to each person but, in general, we want to do something early in the day and that requires some form of physical activity. We will go into more specifics in our next topic on how we should go best about it but just be aware, for now, that this is the type of thing that when accomplished completely redefines our own understanding of our potential and puts us on the right track to make even more changes in other areas of our life.

Not only that, it is also what gives us a taste of what it means to live a life where we are honest to ourselves. We’ve talked before about the importance of being honest to ourselves in order to generate feelings of safety from within and this is exactly what can get us there. The act of doing one thing every day that we know we should be doing, regardless of how uncomfortable or difficult it is, is what starts forging a foundation of pride and self-respect we can stand on. It creates the feeling in us that we can trust ourselves to follow through with our commitments which naturally leads to enhanced self-esteem and confidence. It also provides the inner peace of knowing that we are doing our best and only our very best, and there is no one that can criticize us. Furthermore, it leads to the generation of true integrity, the feeling of knowing that even amidst great adversity, we will always follow our ideals and never settle.

In the end, this is what it takes to turn who we are today into a more secure, confident and impactful person. We need to confront ourselves with our dishonesty, have a vision, take action, start small, keep the momentum going and lay back as our behavior does the job of redefining who we think we are. If we succeed, we will have built the required inner foundation of honesty, integrity, safety, and courage that separates the best from the rest and that can allow us to become someone that can contribute a lot to the world.

How to Start

As we’ve explained in our previous topic, in order to change, our initial goal should be to use the power of consistent action to prove to ourselves that we can be a more proactive, responsible and also, ultimately, more honest person and doing something small for 30 days is a very effective way to achieve that.

To get the most out of this process, we want to choose a task which requires some form of physical activity. What specifically will depend from person to person. For some, making their bed for 30 days will already be challenging enough. For others, going for a walk or a short run might be more indicated. Regardless of what we end up picking, considering that our goal is to build consistency in our behavior and not to pull off some performance goal, it is important that we stick to something that we know is perfectly within our capacities to achieve.

What we also want to do, if possible, is to complete the activity first thing in the morning. There are several reasons for this. Our willpower levels are naturally at their highest at this time of the day so it makes sense to take advantage of that. Unexpected things can also happen later in the evening so we are better off taking the most prudent approach. And finally, starting the day with one small win will immediately put us on a more positive and proactive mindset.

Now, with that said, what is also a very wise thing to do and can be very helpful to go all the way to the end is to stick to (or, at least, start with) the easiest version of the exercise. As we said, the goal is to be consistent so it doesn’t make sense to focus on performance. Instead, we want to give ourselves the best shot of completing the activity and keeping it as short as possible will greatly help with that. Doing 3 push-ups, going for a 5min walk or a 2min run are just some examples but each person can decide what is best.

Of course, if concluding the assigned task eventually becomes too easy, we can increase the duration or intensity (or eventually add more). But again, it is important to be aware that the goal is not to make things so difficult that we stop doing them, the goal is to maintain the same discipline and consistency throughout the 30 days. So as we incorporate new tasks or increase the difficulty of the existing one(s), it should be always predicated on the assumption that what we are doing remains relatively easy and simple to complete.

Now if you have been sedentary for most of your life and are therefore not so used to taking action, you might notice that you might not always feel like doing the activity. In fact, most of the time you probably won’t. Willpower will be here required. We often read and hear in self-help circles that we need to feel motivated and inspired to do the things we need to do but it is important to understand that that’s flawed. We don’t need to feel any particular way to act upon our responsibilities. If we have made the commitment to do the activity for the next 30 days, we use our willpower to do the activity for the next 30 days. (Granted, sometimes stuff happens and we might miss a day. If that is the case, the last thing we want to do is beat ourselves up for it. Or worse, completely stop. We should just simply get back on track the next day and do everything in our power to make sure we don’t miss two in a row. As we’ve said, consistency is key and if we keep going at it, even if we face some setbacks, we will eventually see the results.)

Some final tips that can also help increase the chances of successfully going through this process include planning in advance and getting some accountability. Writing down what we plan to do the next day has been scientifically shown to greatly improve the odds of following through with our intentions. And telling someone about our monthly challenge (and reporting to them) has also been proven to play an important role in our ability to push past resistance when it comes up. (For more tips on habit implementation, you can always do a quick search on Google - there are plenty of websites providing advice these days.)

Ultimately, if we manage to keep up the momentum and succeed in our attempts, by the end of these 30 days, we will have built enough consistency in our behavior to see ourselves at a different, more responsible and proactive light. This, of course, doesn’t mean that we should stop there. In fact, we should see it as the beginning. Every one of us has a lot of potential to do great things in the world but it is only when we are willing to take consistent and persistent action and work towards becoming a person of honesty and integrity that we can aspire to look back at our life one day and know, deep within ourselves, that we did everything in our power to become the most impactful person we could have been.